Idiot’s guide to drinking IPA’s in Pittsburgh

Let’s get something straight right off the bat: I don’t know shit about shit when it comes to describing how a specific craft beer tastes.

If it’s hoppy AF and smells like a stoner’s Winnebago, count me in.

But like, how does an idiot like me describe how dope that tastes? Well, I’ll tell you: she Googles “words to describe craft beer.”

I know what you’re probably thinking right now: “Why should I trust you, when you are clearly not a connoisseur of craft beer?”

You probably shouldn’t.

But, if you’re looking for a highly-entertaining article on the topic (with some sound advice mixed in from actual bartenders who know their shit), gurrrrrrrl, I got you.

So buckle up bitches, I’m bout to get drunkkkkkkk.

Stop #1 – Roundabout Brewery

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Pacific Sky IPA – 6.9%

Bright and citrusy.
This was my first IPA of the day, so I didn’t have much to compare it to. Not that it would really help me out much.

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I was thirsty as hell, so it went down nice and quick. So quick, that my drinking buddy (aka my husband, who for some strange reason agreed to be roped into this escapade) was like, “I give it two more stops before you’re puking in the bushes.”

I accept that challenge, sir.

I suppose one could call this beer “refreshing,” though I’m semi-certain that is not a term the experts use. Maybe I’m wrong. Who knows.

Roundabout is a small space that feels super cozy with its dark color palette and low music. Overall, I’d call the vibe comfortable and welcoming.

Stop #2 – HopFarm

Measuring a Summer’s Day IPA – 7%

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So I says to the bartender I says, “What if I wanted to describe this beer to someone on the Internet and sound smart? What would I say?”

To which she replied, “You’d say that it has a subtle hop taste, and that the citrus really slices the hops.”

OK girl, I will copy that and distribute it to the masses.

She was actually super nice about it, though I’m fairly certain she laughed at me behind my back later on. Which I am totes OK with, BTW.

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This is a dope IPA that according to the menu, “is loaded with 200# of tangerines.”

So obv I asked the bartender if they knew that the hashtag is supposed to come before the word, not after, and she pointed out that it means pounds, and that’s when I died a little. So I drank more and contemplated suicide due to sheer embarrassment.

Stop #3 – Strange Roots

Swamp whale – 8%

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I feel like I’d be missing an opportunity if I didn’t state that this beer tastes strange. Maybe, a bit swampy? Nah, you’re right, that’s taking it a bit too far.

Am I drunk?

Also, my brother showed up to “help with the research” so, that’s fun (that’s him in the picture above, in case you care).

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Stop #4 – Hitchhiker 

Like a Machine: Double IPA – 8.4%

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I’m going to be honest: I don’t really know what’s going on anymore, let alone what this tastes like. It’s beer. I like. It paired super well with the mac and cheese I got from the visiting food truck. It came in a bucket. The mac…not the beer. Although, wait…that’s kind of a fun idea. Make note to write that down for later.

The bartenders are making fun of me. I’m super wasted. Thanks for being a pal and reading my article, k byeeeeeeee.

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Stop #5 – Grist House

Lucid Pelican – IDK the percentage on this one…me can’t read cuz me drunk.

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(Editor’s note: my husband transcribed everything from this stop on the “I’m Getting Wasted Tour.”)

We walk in and instantly my brother says, “Smells like a Port o John here.”

And I’m like, “In a bad way?”

And he goes, ” No, Katrina…in a good way…???” OK ya, point taken.

In the interest of avoiding hurt feelings, I should disclose that we did actually walk past a row of Port o Johns, so.

Anywho, I met a dog. She let me pet her. The dog, not necessarily the owner. I am in love. Again, with the dog, not the owner.

Then for a hot minute I was like, “I’m gunna throw up a little. Nope. Nevermind. Just a hiccup. Carry on.”

Then came time to take our pic in front of the brewery.

“I look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings,” says me.

To which my brother replied, “You might actually be Gollum at this point. Also, I’m on a bike.” He wasn’t wrong.

I think I liked the beer here. But more so, the ambiance and especially the dogs. Me pets all of dem.

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